2009 predictions: your head will spin and eyes will hurt

We decided to spare you a look back at the past year, one that was unquestionably remarkable, as it simply would be rehashing old stories that you're probably already tired of hearing about. Should you be interested in rereading the news from 2008, or reviewing the best or worst of that year, we recommend going ANYWHERE on the Internets-- as there are more Top 10 lists and Year in Review articles than failing banks right now.

We're not above gimmicky columns though. In the next year we'll invariably make more predictions and be wrong some of the time along the way, and then hopefully some young upstart will hold our feet to the fire. Until then, we're kick starting 2009 with these:

Dining at the White House
PREDICTION (Udolfo): Obama's first meal will be grilled dry-rubbed chicken breast with greens and mango chutney. He will steal Carmelo Anthony's personal chef Daniel Young, causing a serious feud. In 2011, when the Nuggets win the NBA Championship, Carmelo will not shake Obama's hand. He will merely scoff and run to the White House kitchen in an attempt to get one last delicious meal from Daniel Young. Sadly, he will be subdued by the Secret Service and the following season the Nuggets will go 42-40. Carmelo will have a good year, but be slightly remorseful about the incident.

RESPONSE (Paul): The Nuggets will not win the NBA Championship in 2011. Crisis averted.

Appointment Controversy
PREDICTION (Paul): At least one of Obama's cabinet appointees will face serious opposition.

RESPONSE (Udolfo): But whom???

Obama Passes Bill
PREDICTION (Udolfo): In a surprising twist, Wild Horse and Burro legislation is leapfroged for a Bill, that will be signed into law, legalizing ranch workers to glue horns onto the heads of white horses allowing them to market the animals as Unicorns. Obama wants people to believe in MAGIC again. Tourism will rebound. Also, the fake-unicorn-manufacturing base will remain strong, as horses are difficult and expensive to import.

RESPONSE (Paul): Obama already passed a Bill... Clinton that is. Remember when Obama's candidacy was a "fairy tale"... then he won the nomination... then he got elected president... so Unicorns... yeah, maybe you're on to something...

Home Values
PREDICTION (Paul): Houses will continue to lose value. Save your money and buy the railroads and utility companies.

RESPONSE (Udolfo): Yes, you see, hobos use railways. Those who "hobo it" will be using those after they lose their house. Meanwhile, a few young up-and-comers will get some nice homes that were foreclosed.

Obama's First Scandal as President
PREDICTION (Udolfo): The First Family will pick a puppy that offends the Golden Lab lobby. It will be a Chocolate Lab named Garfunkel.

RESPONSE (Paul): The puppy will be cute and cuddly. It will have an equally adorable name.

Unknown Unknowns will become Known Knowns
PREDICTION (Paul): You see, there are currently things we don't know we don't know, but over the next 12 months, we will come to know them. Do you know what I'm saying?

RESPONSE (Udolfo): I believe we know what we don't know.

Read No Further
PREDICTION (Udolfo): Udolfo predicts predictions will be realized to be ridiculous. So, we might as well predict crazy things anyways.

RESPONSE (Paul): I predict we will...